Vampires. Why?

Note: i make a newspaper for my floor called the Toilet Digest. it is hung in front of the urinals and stall doors to make the visit less of a drag. i write articles, and since most people don't live on my floor, i figured i will post articles from the newspaper from time to time.

without further a do...

I saw Van Helsing. It was awesome. Hugh Jackman brought his “a-game” and had a medieval machine gun that took out all kinds of gross vampires. Now, girls across America want to date these same beings that Van Helsing made melt with holy water.

So why vampires? They’re pretty hideous things in most tales. Why not something else? There are plenty of other nasty creatures out there for them to romance.

I think Twilight would be much more entertaining if they were all Frankenstein-like monsters rather than vampires. Just a bunch of guys walking around high school with machine parts sticking out of their necks talking like they burnt their tongues testing a car battery. Then there’s some cute emo chick who comes along and is strangely allured to the one with a six-pack that talks in few words, none of them distinguishable.

How about mummies? Nothing’s more romantic than a man who knows how to dress. Even someone else dressed him… when he died.

We could even go a sci-fi route with cyborgs. Just when the lady goes to hold his hand, she realizes it’s a ray gun!

Vampires are unoriginal. I guess I just don’t know what the big deal is for all these girls. I could mess my hair up and tell girls I was capable of killing them, but they would call the cops on me.